There is so much to say that I hardly know where to start. So, I guess I will just start with 2013 and fill in as I go. Actually, scratch that… I need to start with High School. I have been a hopeless romantic all my life. I have dreamed of true love and a man that would do anything for me since the day I first fell in love.

I was 15 years old. I saw a boy at a friends swimming party and I thought, oh man… what I wouldn’t give to be his girl. Little did I know, that I caught his attention at that party as well. It surprised me because I was a shy little girl, not the best dressed and definitely not the prettiest gal on the block. But something about me caught his eye that day.

He was uber popular. Like really, one of the most popular boys in school. I couldn’t understand why he would have an interest in me. But, he did. (For the sake of this site, we will call him 23 (inside joke that nobody will get but me ;))). This guy swept me off my feet. He asked me to go with him to Homecoming. I wasn’t 16 yet so I had to beg my parents to go but they said it was ok, since my birthday was only a few months away.

I fell so in love with this boy. At the dance I remember melting in his arms. We fit like a jigsaw puzzle. Perfect. We had so many good experiences together for that first year (10th grade). But like any good love story, it didn’t last. We broke up and got back together several, and I mean several times. Everyone knew of our love saga. It was almost a running joke amongst other classmates. He broke up with me several times and dated more popular girls. I always felt it was “in my face” but it was probably my own lack of self-confidence playing a part because I was a shy nobody and he was the most popular boy in school. I truly loved 23, with all my heart. I thought, “one day I will marry this man.” As I look back at some of the letters we wrote each other… they are exactly what a husband and wife would say to each other, and we were only 15. But… it was high school and it was confusing and crazy for both of us. But I always held a place for him in my heart. Hoping he would pick me.

We had some awesome friends, girls and boys. Friends I am still connected with today. One of those friends, that I met through 23, was a guy who we will call M. No matter the hard times I went through with 23, M was always there for me. He was the shoulder I cried on every time 23 dumped me, the one who understood what I was going through, the one there for me no matter what. (My girl friends did too but I’m just referencing him so you can see later.) I often wondered if M had feelings for me. He was so sweet and kind, and from my experience, guys just weren’t like that for no reason. Well it turns out, he did have feelings for me.

When 23 got into a more serious relationship during our senior year, I decided it was time to let go. For some reason, I held on to him all that time and never truly opened my heart to someone else. I kept thinking he would come back to me.

After deciding to let go, I opened my heart… and guess who I found? M. He was the one that had been there for me, always. Supported and loved me no matter what. I did fall in love with him. I went all in. It was my senior year and we dated the entire year.

Cool story right? Done and done. lol. Not quite…  At our last dance of high school, the final song of the night started playing… it was mine and 23’s song… and he came and asked me to dance. Even though I was with someone else and so was he. It hit me hard. I wondered if he planned it? Did he still have feelings for me? Did he still see me in his future? Why this song, why ask me to dance, why now? It really confused me because all I ever wanted was him.

After graduation I was on and off with M for a short time, then back together again. It was hard getting out of high school mode and into the workplace/adult mode, I moved out on my own and so did he. We had bills and jobs. Ugh. I did love him. But I wondered how we would be able to be married and make a life together. I feel that is a normal thought process when you are in a relationship out of high school and carrying on with life. I had fears.

I needed some resolve so I wrote 23 a letter on his mission. I needed some closure to the tiny, little of hope I was holding on to. I asked him if he wanted me to wait for him. (I would have too.) His reply however, was not so encouraging. It led me to believe my hope was false and I should move on with my life. So I did. I let him go at that moment.

M and I were trying to figure our life out too. We broke up. He didn’t come after me so I figured it was the right thing.

I was working for a company at that time and my soon-to-be husband worked there too. He had asked me a few times about my “boyfriend.” And finally, the last time he asked, I told him it was over, so he asked me out.

My first date with my husband was February 8th. We were engaged by March 22nd, and married in July. To say it was “fast” was an understatement. To be honest I was scared. I knew I loved him but we barely knew each other. He did make me happy and everyone thought it was perfect. I knew he was a good man. I took a leap of faith.

I won’t go into a lot of details about my marriage because I really don’t have a lot to say. He loved me unconditionally for 11 years. Our problem was something bigger than the both of us.

We didn’t really have a connection to each other… aka ROMANCE. We were best friends, laughed, respected each other, had fun, raised a family, etc. But we really lacked a physical “real” connection to each other as man and wife. We would often talk about it; how we need to “step it up” in the romance department. But life and kids and school and work always seemed to play a bigger role.

Eventually, I began to think it was me. I know he didn’t do it on purpose, but I always had this idea that a guy “needed sex”… I mean, that is what I had always heard. But he didn’t seem to need it. I started to think it was me. I was just undesirable as a woman. I know he respected and loved me, but really, we were just friends. I do not put all the blame on him though. After so long, you begin to lose it. I started seeing him as just a friend too and it was hard for both of us to have that connection to each other.

It really affected my self esteem as a woman. I know I was loved and respected, but I didn’t feel beautiful. I’m not saying I needed to feel like a super model, :). I just wanted to be desired, for me. We both new our intimacy was an issue, and despite all the times we tried to talk and fix it, it just didn’t work.

Now… I need to set the record straight for a moment… Every marriage has things you work on. I realize this. I know this. My husband and I were truly best friends. He would never, ever hurt or disrespect me. And I would never him. I think in our 11 year marriage, we probably only argued.. maybe 5 times.. MAYBE. That could be stretching it because I can really only remember 2.

He is a good man, excellent father and I love him dearly. I was just missing something from our marriage. Something I wanted. Connection. I needed more. I needed to feel desired. I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel like a woman.

I was a stay-at-home mom trying to help out with the household expenses as best I could. I took a job working for one of our friends who was nice enough to offer me some work. He was married and for the sake of this blog we will call him J and his wife V. We were friends with them. I really liked both of them and I enjoyed that we had other “couples” friend.

One day I was doing some work for J and he messaged me about it. We joked and laughed about the project because it was a “condom” box. (Don’t worry, it was a medical something or other). But we joked about the nature of the project. I’ll never forget when he messaged to me, “Let me ask you, how is your marriage?” I sat there for a second, wondering why he would ask that. And then I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Flirting? I replied that it was “just ok”. I knew my connection with my husband wasn’t what I needed to feel fulfilled, but I knew I wasn’t unhappy. I, in-turn, asked how his marriage was. His reply, “Shitty.” At that moment… something started and I had no real control over it.

Now, before you go casting judgement. I know this sounds bad. I have been around families with affairs and all that crap. My family included. I know you don’t make friends with the opposite sex and then talk about your marriages… it always, always leads to an affair. I wasn’t going to do that. I knew the boundary.

But, I was desperately needing some attention. I did talk to him. We did chat often about trials we were struggling with. He told me him and his wife have been struggling for 6 years, minimum. That they were at the end of their rope. I related to that. I knew I was there too. I didn’t know how or when I could have the strength to leave, because it is so damn hard, but I knew it was what I needed to do.

At that moment, I was given the strength to make the change in my life. It wasn’t just because of him, and that I could relate with him, it was because I knew I wanted more.

I did talk with J more than I should have while he was married. It was a hard boundary because we were already friends. The line was blurred for me of being the friend I once was, and falling for him. He said I was beautiful. He said I was desirable. He said I was perfect.

In fact, the 4 of us had talked many times about our struggling marriages. We were all friends and we all knew things were shitty. They knew we knew their marriage was rocky, just as they knew ours was. Several times we all discussed the hardships we are facing.

I told J that I was going to talk to my husband about separating and divorce. I had not been intimate with my husband because I knew my heart wasn’t there anymore. He said he was going to talk with V as well. It seemed they were in the same place we were with their relationship.

I’ll never forget the conversation I had with my husband. We talked sincerely and honestly even though it was hard for both of us. I knew both of our hearts were breaking. But I think deep down, we both knew it wasn’t the connection we needed. We talked and cried and fell asleep. It was a hard conversation to have, but I was trying to do the right thing.

*Note: I always have said… if you find you want something else in your life, do the right thing and do it the right way. I have lived around affairs my entire life. I honestly tried my hardest to do things the right way. I know some of you may judge me, and that is ok. I know I tried my best to do things right, even if it wasn’t an overnight thing. I tried to make sure everyone was ok. I didn’t want to kick my kids’ father out in a single night. I still loved and respected him. We just had a part of our marriage that was missing. I didn’t want to be insensitive so this process took a few weeks. You may judge, but I did the best I could with what I was given. I didn’t expect this to happen and I tried to do things right.

I ended my marriage that night.

The next day after I had “the talk” with my husband, we were making a plan for moving, etc. We met up with J and V to share our news. I already knew the news since I had told J I was going to talk to my husband and he was going to talk to V. However, the news I received was not the news I shared.

V and I were talking about our failed marriages. I was telling her about how I really needed that connection. I’ll never forget when I said, “you know… like let’s fight but then make up in the best possible way (wink wink).” She turns and says to me, “yeah… like we did last night.”

Wait what? Wait? What? Heart stopped. Can’t breath. No words. Wait what? I thought we were doing this the right way? I thought he wanted to be with me? He told me he did. Why then? Why? I really couldn’t breath. I’m sure she was confused at my tear filled eyes.

I was distant all evening. I knew J could sense it. My husband could too but we had just had our “talk” last night so I assume he thought had so many emotions going on in my mind. Why would a man say one thing and do another. He flat out told me that sex with her was “nasty.” So why? I don’t understand. He says he doesn’t love her… so why? I don’t understand. It really hurt me that I kept to my word, was trying my best to do things right, as best as I could, and he was still having sex? It was supposed to be the “I’ll end it” talk?

Later than night J asked me to go for a walk. It had started to rain but since it was still summer, it was a warm rain. I talked to him about how bad that hurt me. He apologized. He said it was a “moment of weakness.” He could see the tears in my eyes, he knew it hurt me deeply. I was giving him all of me and being true to the purpose. I was trying my best and he wasn’t. He said he wouldn’t ever do that again. I forgave him and believed that he wouldn’t do it again. He kissed me as the rain fell on our faces. I will never forget that kiss… it was like out of a movie. Warm rain falling down our faces and a perfect kiss. I knew I loved him. And everything else washed away.

Note: I’m not going to lie. This wasn’t our first kiss. Our first kiss came from a dare a few days prior. He dared me to come to his house and kiss him one day. I don’t know if he thought I would do it… but he put the invitation out on the table. My personality doesn’t back down from a dare and to be honest, it felt so good just to be wanted. To be desired. To the point where he was inviting me over just to kiss me. I had missed that for so long. 

I knocked on his door… I didn’t really think he would kiss me but I was just making a point that I keep my word and don’t back down. He did kiss me though. He took my hand, pulled me in close and kissed me. I will never forget that kiss. I felt something I had never felt before. It was such a strong connection. It was perfect. We both looked at each other like “oh shit.” We both felt it and we both knew it was something unreal.

My husband moved out of our home at the end of August. It was hard for all of us. My kids suffered. I suffered. He suffered. I would never wish a divorce/separation on anyone.

J also moved out. It was a hard time for all of us.

The only thing I kept thinking was “it is for the best.” I haven’t been completely happy, neither has my husband, and neither have J and V. We all wanted something different but didn’t have the strength, motivation, courage, whatever, to make the change. We all said it over and over. We all knew it. Once I was driving in my car with my husband, who we can now refer to as ex, and he said to me that if he could hand-pick anyone for me to move on with, it would be J. That resonated with me. My ex knows me better than anyone else, and he says to me that he feels J is the right man for me? It hit my heart a second time, because I already felt that, and now hearing it from someone else hit home too.

I spent a lot of time with J, the first few weeks after the separation. We got our kids together and we were trying to sort out this craziness. I admit it was hard. There were a lot of things “normal couples” don’t deal with because we were both leaving marraiges. But we were confident in our love. We talked often. Had great communication. And I truly believed we would be together as a couple in no time, possible engaged and married within the year. I was that much in love with this man.

I was happy. Little did I know, J was struggling with leaving his marriage. He said he wanted me, wanted to be with me, loved me and wanted a future with me. We talked so much…. everyday on Skype or text. He would tell me all the things he didn’t want and all the things he did. I did the same. But really, I just wanted the connection that I didn’t have… and I knew I had it with him.